Not just mere facts of my life... :P

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The Fallacies of Mind

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Posted by Zabi | Posted on 11:56

Mind’s got mysterious ways of working. It refuses to see things the way they are. It chooses to create illusions, and it chooses to create perceptions. Hope is one such illusion, Despair is another. The fallacy or fantasy it gets you in can be for your good or bad. Before one can know the nature of the illusion one must be able to distinguish the illusion from reality.

Look at the Illusion called Hope. By the tone of it the word sounds great. It is the fundamental instrument of any kind of creed. Every faith, ideology or cult that is devoid of reason and logic plants itself into the mind of an individual under the illusion called hope and nurtures. A religion gives the hope of afterlife or reincarnation, as a cult gives the hope of nirvana. It is hope that gives perseverance and strength to pursue one’s mindless pursuits. Hope can either lead to a miracle or a disaster. It all depends on the object of hope. Put in simple words, hope is a gamble for miracle at the risk of disaster.

Hope might not always lead to the result one desires but hope is not at fault here. Hope is just a ship that drives you towards the destination in the storms of life. The consequences of such a journey are more or less to be blamed upon your decision to embark upon such a voyage. This is the only risk that is associated with hope. Without hope life stagnates. When all reasons to live life run out and gloom prevails, hope is the only beacon of light that can guide you in the dark.

But as I mentioned earlier, hope by the nature of it is still an illusion. It is flawed and cannot survive inscrutable logic. But again pure logic can never justify a miracle. When there is a dearth of inspiration and abundance of desperation, find hope and stick to it. It might not always lead to the desired consequences but it will definitely get you out of some undesirable situations.

(I wanted to throw some light on other illusions of mind but I lost track,,,,, philosophy, I guess, is not my cup of tea. From now on, I have decided to stick to fiction. I will never bother you again with a mind torturing piece like this.)



Pretty

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Posted by Zabi | Posted on 03:29

Disclaimer: Purely a work of fiction. A figment of my imagination.

When I first saw her I noticed she was pretty but I felt,

“aaawh, I have seen pretty.” 

But perceptions don’t possess the quality of perpetuity so can be easily changed when exposed to reality. I knew not then that mine was bound to change in due course of time. I didn’t notice her in detail except for her smile. The most radiant one I have seen lately. Her smile might have been the reason why my eyes took notice of her. I must confess my eyes have high regard for beauty even though my brain sometimes fails to realize it.

The next time I saw her, the radiance of her smile was even more striking. But it’s not just the smile this time. As she came closer I saw what a real beauty she was.

“aaawh. She is pretty.”

Innocence in her eyes, bounce of her hair, appearance of her figure, her majestic yet feminine walk, the smell of her perfume and the air with which carries herself around. Every feature of her caught my attention and she deserved it. She noticed me as I was looking at her agape, and put her smile off to give me a contemptuous look as if to imply that my eyes didn’t deserve her beauty. Uncertain of the implication of her stare I hesitantly turned my eyes off her.

The next time I got lucky in the sense that I not only got to see her but to meet her. It was through a common friend. She was still wearing the radiant smile from which I couldn’t keep my eyes off. The look of contempt in her eyes was now replaced by amiability which I think is for the sake of maintaining the decorum of out meet or for the sake of our friend. Whatever it may be, the radiance of her smile grew more elegant as the look in her eyes now complimented her smile. 

She greeted us cordially and my friend returned her greetings with profuse amiability. I was mesmerized by the sweetness of her voice. It couldn’t have suited her better. She looked at me inquisitively as if something was expected out of me. My friend broke the awkward silence by restoring the conversation. It was too late by the time I realized I didn’t returned her greetings and kept mum like a dork. 

She is one hell of a speaker, I realized, when my attention slowly diverted from the sweetness of her voice to the meaning of words that she was speaking. Though it was a small talk the eloquence of her dialogue, her quick-wit impressed me. I said to myself,

“Awwwh, She is pretty intelligent.”

Wait a second. I was enough impressed by her already, her impressing me more isn’t going to do any good. It is my turn now to impress her if anything has to happen between us. I decided to contribute to the conversation between her and my friend. I made up few lines in my head on the subject they were discussing. I repeated those in my head and they felt intelligent and witty enough to create an impression in her towards me. I seized the opportunity when they both took a pause and blurted out my rehearsed dialogues.

Intelligent and witty I thought but rather I sounded lame and stupid. The expression in her eyes instantly got converted to contempt. But this time it was like her look poked my heart through my eyes. I kept mum for the rest of conversation and flew-off at the first chance I got by giving a lame excuse.

The next time I met her she was walking all alone. The lack of her radiant smile created a gloomy air about her. I thought she would remember me from last conversation and a smile of my greeting, might light up her radiant smile. I tried to get hold of her attention. She looked in every directon but mine. May be she is not in a good mood today. I thought of using a good pickup line to grab her attention but before anything could occur to me she already walked past by leaving a trail of her florid perfume in the air.

The next time I saw her, it was not the radiant smile that caught my attention. It was the caress of her feminine back by a masculine hand. The sight of it added to her radiant smile which seemed fluctuating with the movement of the hand on her back, burned my heart. Anger, dismay and helplessness all stuck me at once. To avoid any further embarrassment of the situation I took my steps backward.

The next time I saw her, I still noticed the radiance of her smile. I was afraid to imagine the reason behind it but I realized a stark change in my perception. It’s her beauty, it seemed faded. I start noticing the features of her which were far from beautiful and which I haven’t noticed earlier. As she same close her radiant smile grew and our eyes met. She raised her eyebrows to greet me. 

At that very instant, I turned my eyes off her, forever.



Beauty in Oblivion

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Posted by Zabi | Posted on 05:57

My college is located in one of the most beautiful places i.e. on a hill surrounded by picturesque landscape of a mountain range. I can talk to clouds every day. I have seen this kind of beauty only in movies or in the large posters like the one that is hung in my neighbour’s house. On the very first day I thought, well if this is the view that I am going to saviour for next two years then each day will be as magnificent as the last. But alas!! That was the last day on which my magnificent feeling lasted.

When you see one of those solitary, beautiful places on the earth you feel how wonderful it would be if you get to stay there for the rest of your lives. Well, as long as it’s just a feeling, it may feel nice. Only when you get a chance to realize the feeling, you will realize that places like these are meant to spend a vacation, not a lifetime. We are too used to a civilization to do without it, nor am I able to. But I knew I’ll learn to survive this place in due course of time as long as I get to see the beautiful view of sun rising above the magnificent mountains, every day from my window.

But Alas again!! What use is this beautiful sunrise, if I either lack the mood or time to view it? Every day I wake up from the nightmare of nearing deadlines and unfinished assignments. All I need is 5 seconds time to turn east towards my window but my irate mood denies it. It is not that the beauty does not astonish me anymore, it does. If at all, by sheer chance, I look at those mountains, I feel bad for denying myself the serenity of captivating nature that is only at one turn of my head.






Random Blabber

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Posted by Zabi | Posted on 11:22

Blabber is random. The word random in the title is redundant I know, but cannot think of any thing better at the moment. So  you might have  to bear with it.I was wondering when was the last time I updated my blog. Couldn’t remember exactly but It was such  a long time back that the instance of it faded out of my memory. I had to refer to my blog archive to know that it was about 3 months back. I want to write but cannot think of any good tale in particular. I have decided to blabber some thing.


So much has changed in last three months. My admission into MBA program has changed my life in a way I have never imagined before. Going back to the class room is tough after a hiatus of 4 years and especially for a guy like me who is on the other side of  25,  it is definitely not  a  piece of cake. You are no longer a kid, and to sit in a classroom listening to a lecture is the last thing you’d like to do. But it’s no use cribbing as I have already made the choice to do things  the  hard way.


So many things happened in my college in such a short span of time. I have met a lot of people of so many different kinds. It was interesting to get to know all of them. I can say I haven’t met these many during the last four years  at my  work place. Last 3 months were eventful but all of it happened in the blink of an eye. Once these moments passed it felt like  three months were too short a time  for so much to happen in it.


These events created  a paradigm shift in my approach towards life. It was so easy to survive the life of a software engineer but to survive an MBA is to survive a cyclone that will uproot many of your beliefs. Never has been my life so tough rather felt so tough. So far there has never been a dearth of foolish people around me whom I could easily surpass to win a race. But here, I realized, there has never been a dearth of smart ass people to compete with. It is a challenge every day to stand apart from the crowd.


Some might call what I experienced initially as inferiority complex but it seemed a necessity around this place to constantly thrive along to survive the competition. I guess this is where people go wrong. Things like inferiority complex, jealousy etc. can bring bad things onto somebody but never anything good. People forget that their aim is to succeed but not to surpass some body. One should focus on things that one is good at and try to put his best efforts irrespective of how better others are at the same task. This is how real learning happens. A bit of envy is necessary in the competitive world but it must not release the negative energy inside. Why the hell am I giving this bloody lecture. I Just wanted to reiterate a few things to get everything straight in my head. Might not be an interesting read for you but just to drive away my writers block, this is the beginning.



On The Last Day a New Beginning.

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Posted by Zabi | Posted on 11:13

“Can I help you Sir?”

“My last day, today. Are all my exit formalities complete?”

“Yes, except for one sir. You have to handover your ID card. “

“I want to keep it. Can I? “

“No sir, you can’t. “

“What if it’s lost and I don’t have it right now.”

“Well, in that case sir, you have to pay a fine of 1000 RS and also if we ever find you using it, you will be prosecuted. I suggest you don’t take that risk Sir.”

“Well here it is. take it. Wait! Can I at least keep the tag with me or you will fine me for that as well”

“Sure sir, you can. The tag contains the old logo. It is no value to us whatsoever, as the brand satyam has changed to Mahindra Satyam. But sir may I ask why you want to keep that.”

“My four years here in Satyam...”

“To correct you Sir, Mahindra Satyam!!”

I don’t’ understand why HR has to be politically correct all the time. Also I know I can’t argue with them for the very same reason. So I replied,

“Thanks for correcting my huge mistake Madam. Mahindra satyam it is. So my 3 years in Satyam and 1 year in Mahindra satyam this tag is the only thing that was there with me all the time. When I was nervous and sweating in the air conditioned conference rooms, it was this tag that soaked my sweat. When I worked 16 hours straight, it was by revolving this tag around my finger that I relieved my stress. When I was struck solving a programmatic errors it was by biting this tag I got the solutions in my mind. It was this tag that…”
“Sir, Thanks for letting me know. As I said you can keep it for free but submit the card. I think you can write a poem about you love for this tag.”

“Not just a poem but I think I should write a book about my experiences at this place.’

“Can I get it Sir?”

“When I have it written, I’ll send you a copy.”

“Sir! I mean the tag.”

I took the ID card out of the tag and gave it to her. She gave me a weird smile to suggest either me or my idea is stupid. I smiled back at her to suggest I was just kidding.

I came out of the HR block. I was exactly in the place from where I can see the entire campus. There was no one around to walk me till the gate for the very last steps that I am going to take in this campus. All my friends bid me farewell already and got back to their work to meet their respective deadlines. I took one good look around the campus.

I started walking towards the gate. With each step my head felt heavier and my thoughts became emotional. I saw the word SATYAM painted on one of the tallest buildings in the campus and at that moment the entire 4 years I spent in this company flashed before my eyes.



An Odyssey on Iron Track.

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Posted by Zabi | Posted in , , | Posted on 03:37

The idea of traveling always creates an enthusiasm in me especially when it is long and when done by train. If you are a lazy south Indian, you rarely get a chance to travel by rail routes. You need to book at least a month in advance to get a confirmed ticket and you generally don’t tend to be so over enthusiastic to reserve a train ticket when you have all the major cities well connected by roads and quality state/private transport system.

The idea of a long train journey is never a deterrent for me as it is the case with many other people, except for one irritating factor i.e. the cleanliness or rather clean less ness of bogie toilets due to the poor maintenance of Indian railways. But still, one of the ways by which I attain peace of mind is by sitting near the window of a train, sipping hot tasteless tea, gorging my mouth with the cheap samosas, resonating my body to the rhythmical beats of the tracks made against the wheels of the bogie and savoring my eyes with the picturesque landscape of Indian country side.

In spite of my love for train travel I never got a chance to do it in last two years. My eager wait ended last week when I had to travel back and forth to Hyderabad from Kolkata for some personal work. I could have chosen to travel by air, but giving myself the excuse of saving the extra buck I chose to book the train in advance for one way trip to reach Hyderabad and then decided to come back by air.

The train from Kolkata to Hyderabad starts in the morning and will reach hyderbad in the morning of the next day. On the day of journey, I got up early, shaved to look particularly good for any pretty gals that might sit in my bogie and reached the station, an hour early, just to catch a glimpse of the Howrah Bridge and incredible cacophony at Howrah station. I was not disappointed as the Howrah bridge stood as majestic as it always stood on the banks of the Hoogly river and the crowd was just as noisy as I expected with many pretty faces dispersed among it.

I tried to enter into the iconic Victorian structure called Howrah station and saw huge crowds coming out of it. With some difficulty I pushed through the crowd to make way into the station. A pungent smell of mustard oil hit my nose indicating a lot of biharis coming out. A train from bihar must have just reached the Howrah station. Just as I reached my platform I saw a dark, short man, very enthusiastic, selling idlis. By his atypical white lungi and a horizontal mark on his forehead. I knew it was a tamialian. Not him but his tasty looking idlis drew me to him. Three months in kolkata, and not once did I eat a tasty idly. This was my chance to wallow the taste of some real South Indian idlis. I devoured half a dozen idlis in spite of not being hungry. Thought about paying the man a tip but people on platforms are not accustomed to it so just payed happily whatever amount he asked for.

Train came soon and the first thing that I did was to check the reservation chart. Not check the confirmation of my seat number but to check the seat numbers of all the gals seated around me. There was one padma mukherjee right next to me. I happily entered into the compartment and eagerly waited for a beutiful mukherjee to arrive, thinking of ways to provoke a conversation with her before the other male counter parts sitting around me. Soon all the seats surrounding me started filling up with guys but with nothing that can be called a Padma Mukherjee. After some impatient waiting I came out to check the chart again. I saw this

Padma Mukherjee Male 24 years.

What a sham? I felt like cursing the naming sense of Bengalis but realized fault is mine in getting over enthusiastic. I still had 24 hours of the enjoyable train journey left. I came back and stuck to my window seat. Within a few minutes I started sweating like a pig thanks to the incredible summer season of Kolkata. After almost wetting my Tshirt the train started. Then came along the track, the slums of Kolkata. As the train drove past the dingy shanties I made a point to observe as many as I can to get an insight into lives of people living in there. I saw emaciated kids running along the tracks and waving their hands so very happily. I felt a little lucky that my life is better provided with than theirs but soon realized that the happiness and the carefree ness with which they are living theirs is not something I have experienced in my life in a long time. I wanted to wave my hand to those kids but got scared of embarrassing myself among the fellow passengers.

Strange it is but what was I really scared of? The strangers, whose opinions are in no manner going to affect my life? I should have waved my hand because the happiness that am I going to give to the kids, if they see me, is  incomparable to the embarrassment that I am going to create, if any, to my fellow passengers. I swore that next time I am not going to do the same.

As the train crossed the slums and streets, the city slowly faded away into lush green paddy fields of the country side.

(To be continued..)



Got a New One

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Posted by Zabi | Posted in , | Posted on 10:38

I have gotten jealous so many times when I saw  my friends’ blogs. Not because of the content of their blog but the way their blog used to look. Most of the blogs on net just look amazing. It is because of the templates applied to the blog. Not just that, they have super cool widgets(non bloggers never mind..), and super cool formatting. After seeing such blogs, when I see my own, I always felt like spitting on it. My blog used to look so bad. The reason is I used to have a basic template provided by blogger.

If you are not a blogger you may not understand what a template is.For your better understanding and for no logical reason lets compare a blog with a cow.  Lets say, If blog is a cow then template is the color you apply to the cow(Thinkin why the hell I would color a cow? just carry on reading.) and the udder of the cow is like the content of your blog.(Udder??!!@# don't know what it is? google it..) Not understanding a word of what I am saying. Just carry on reading this nonsense.

I knew I had to change the template. I wanted the best template in the world. I searched every nook and corner of the net for it. Not even one suited my requirement. Not matter how good the template was I could always find some kind of a defect. I rejected templates because of the following reasons,
 

1) The blog template should not contain pink color.

Pink color is girly and I hate it from the core of my masculine heart.A pink blog gives the same feeling that you are getting now by watching this pink cow. If you are a reader would you lilke to touch the udder of such blog?  A dot of pink color is sufficient to reject the blog templarte.

2) The blog should not look girly.

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Stop Sucking... Start Rocking...

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Posted by Zabi | Posted on 00:42

I am feeling totally miserable these days. Every aspect of my life has become a reason of my misery. For instance let’s focus on a few important reasons of my misery.


1) My Job sux!!

With my job life has become stagnant. My office is a boring place. I got no interesting work in office to do. I got no interesting company in office to spare my time for. All guys in my office floor suck. All gals in my office think I suck. There cannot be any growth in my career. Even If there is, I cannot grow along with it. I can’t do any thing about any thing. I feel totally helpless.



2) My Social life sux!!

What is social life? I have forgotten the answer to this question for a long time now. I work like 24*7 for 5 days and after that no energy is left to do anything on the weekend. A thing like gal friend could have given me some respite but that space in my life has been void for ages and I have become hopeless now. There is no color or vigor in my life.

3) My life is full of defects


I am full of Defects like,

I am not 6 feet tall.
I don’t have 6 pack abs.
I haven’t got Einstein’s brain.
I can’t talk as effectively as harsha bhogle.
I have earned a lot less than a million dollars.
I don’t have many good friends.

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The day that changed my life.

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Posted by Zabi | Posted on 10:54

Today when I was debating with my friends on the current hot topics of regionalism and religion I rememberd a tale that happened in some part of life which changed my point of view. It happened almost a decade back when I was studying in a boys hostel. Let me narrate this tale to you,

The boys hostel in which I was studying in had a very strict schedule. We were hardly given any time for ourselves. It was so strict that we were not allowed to do even things like playing cricket or watching T.V. We had no communication whatsoever with the outside world except that we had a small chance of glancing at the news paper at 8 AM in the morning only for 1/2 hr. There were at least 200 people in the building and there was only one copy of news paper. Everyone's main area of concern in the news paper was only the movie and sports section unless there was some major news.Rarely once in a month do I used to get the chance of glancing at the paper for a few minutes.

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I give up. Finally...

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Posted by Zabi | Posted on 10:22

Last night my parents dropped a bomb shell through their phone call, yet again.
“Beta! Send one recent and a bit decent photo graph of yours. Not that monkey posed sleazy photographs from one of your social networking sites”

Not their first attempt though, but they were never successfully in striking the target. But this time I feel they struck the target right at its core. Not that their aim was any better than their previous attempts but this time the target moved itself to be struck by their bombshell. Can’t decipher a word of what I am saying? My parents want a photograph of mine for the bride search to get me married.

The first time they asked me, I couldn’t believe I was old enough to get married. Actually I don’t know if it were the order or disorder of my genes that I look much younger than I actually am. Looking at my face in my mirror I wondered, if I get married now, could some one sue me for child marriage? Also I felt, I had a great way ahead of me to advance in my career. I thwarted their proposals, point blank.

Very soon they asked me a second time. That time I no longer looked like a child any more. But still, I wanted to enjoy my youth. I perceived the marriage to be a destroyer of youth like any other bachelor would and strongly believed that one should surrender to it only when there is not enough youth left in one. So I decided to enjoy my youth in as many ways as I can.

Rarely do my decisions materialize into actual reality. To understand my plight, one must dig down into the flash back a bit deeper. Let me present you with some data to interpret.

Age Status Reason

AgeStatusReason
5SingleDid not know how to get committed
10SingleHated gals. Did not want to get committed.
15SingleLoved gals. But gals hated me for hating them earlier.
20SingleThought career is more important to gals.
2 months to 25Still Single.Still do not know how to get committed.

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Tomar Shonar Bangla

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Posted by Zabi | Posted in , | Posted on 11:06

After my last article you must now very be curious to know of what has become of my habit. No cigarettes yet. Really!! I can swear on the thing that is of utmost importance to me and that is ‘you’, the reader of my blog. So I cannot lie. Really yaar!

Do you wonder sometimes, why you are reading this blog in spite of all its stupidity? Is it me or is it the way I write. When I asked this question to one of my friend he said, “It’s obviously you, stupid! You under stand how stupid you are and can write it very well”. After this I tried to understand why do people love to know about the stupidity going in others life? Because it is fun to laugh at the stupidity of others than at one’s own. If I can make others laugh with what I write, what more I can expect from my blog. (You flattered eh?)

I have not informed most of you that I am presently in kolkata for a short trip of 3 months. What a city it is! Beautiful! Can you guess the reason? Haha. Gals. Since I came from south, where the ratio of pretty gals to not so pretty gals is 1: infinite, I was dumbstruck to find the ratio here being the reciprocal of the quantity that is prevalent in the south. I also came to know that all the major beauty product companies use fair gals from north for their ad campaigns, who do not use any fairness creams owing to their natural fairness to lure the gals in the south to use the same. Gals here never get dark and the gals in south never get fair and the beauty products kept on selling. What a concept of management!! In spite of this understanding, I always wonder why I can’t crack CAT.

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Tale of a Smoker 2.

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Posted by Zabi | Posted on 11:10



Inspired by my own tale (Or rather sacred), I prepared to give up smoking finally. It’s just my 11th day but it really seems like eleven years since I gave up. It’s a torture I am going through. My brain is now divided into two parts. I know it’s already divided into two but each part is acting in conflict with the other part. The right part of my brain says, “Zabi!! Don’t dare smoke” and the wrong part of my brain says “Do hell with everything. Go for it. Pleasure should all be yours.” 



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Tale of a Smoker….

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Posted by Zabi | Posted on 11:13


I distinctly remember  when I smoked the cigarette for the first time. The reason for it being very stupid and it’s not exactly a reason but more of an excuse, I might say. It was just to prove a point that I now have became the master of my life (I felt then that I was leading my life rather by circumstances and not in a way that I wanted) and am able enough to do whatever I want. I might have tried any thing sane to prove the point but me being insane choose the stupidest thing that I ever could. Also It was a desperate moment in my stressful life of a software engineer, and I had this weirdest imagination that by doing so I might somehow become able enough to evade the helplessness of the life that I was in. But all it has ever done to me, was to leave me in a helplessness of an utter kind.

Even the very first time that I smoked, I got no pleasure or relief of any sort but numbness. A numbness followed by displeasure and an intense cough. A feeling that I cannot precisely describe lasted on the mind for a few minutes. You must be smoker to understand the feeling that I am talking about. This is neither a good nor a bad feeling but definitely a peculiar one. So peculiar as to one might want to try it another time.

Obviously, I tried it another time and many times after that, just to re-experience the peculiarity of numbness on the mind. I always expected to get more of the cigarette before I smoked but got less after, and feeling disappointed smoked it again to get more of it the next time. I fell into a vicious cycle of smoking and smoking more. Cigarettes work with people because they explore this exact stupidity of human mind and there is no definite cure for this or any kind of stupidity. Before I can understand all this I have fallen prey to this stupidity. Even though I was getting addicted I never felt that I might be getting addicted to smoking since it always left me in an illusion that the habit was always under my control when it was precisely the other way around. “What is in it”, I used to say, “After all, I am the master of my life. So when I have the power to start it then I have the very power to stop it.” Even so, I have never realized that stopping the habit has never crossed my mind in a year after my starting it.

Then one day some something happened that made me start realizing how worse the things can get with this habit. A friend of mine who used to smoke along with me took a medical, leave only to be seen after two months with bandages all over his chest. Because of smoking his veins or arteries in the area around his chest got blocked and had be cut through by a surgery to unblock. (I didn’t exactly ask him whether if they were veins or arteries cuz his face was so pale that time that I did not mind asking him what precise pipes have been cut through his body). Since I saw him, I too started feeling a blocked vein in some or the other part of my body. At First I thought it was all some psychological hallucination (I am in a habit of hallucinating a lot of things) and kept smoking but when the unusual activity started spreading from veins to other parts of the body. I then started feeling a little something in the lungs. It was not bad though but also not good but a little weird numbness. Instead of considering it a danger I complacently considered it something regular.
(FYKI the guy whose veins have been cut through resumed smoking after 3 months.)


I took a wakeup call when I came to know that danger is not just confined to the pair of my lungs but to a sacred pair of the precious something. Thanks to a program on national geographic channel on hazards of smoking, I got to know the worst that smoking can do to a man (not a woman to be more precise). As soon as I have known it I did not wait for symptoms to show this time. I wanted to stop it for once and for all. My determination was so powerful that it lasted an eternity short of an perpetuity. In other words, its just a day.
But this time smoking was different. With every cigarette I smoked there a came a lots of anxiety followed by guilt. I started giving lame excuses to smoke to smother my restlessness. Every time I thought this is going to be my last cigarette, very soon it became the last but one cigarette.

As I was going through this emotional atyachar, the year of 2009 was coming to an end. I heard this concept of New Year resolution and got overwhelmed by it. I thought it to be the only way to put an end to my habit. I made a strong resolution for it and doubled my intake of cigarettes during the month of December thinking I will not be smoking any cigarettes from next year. Exactly on the 31st as the clock was about to struck 12, I smoked which was going to be one more last cigarette for the rest of my life.
How good it could have been if the above line would have been the end of this tale but unfortunately it isn’t. Exactly after 15 days I smoked 5 cigarettes at an occasion and 5 more cigarettes after that. Again I am back to the vicious cycle of guilt and started looking new excuses to stop the habit. I know this is all stupid but just to understand how stupid I am being, I wrote this article. I want  to see if my understanding of the stupidity of this habit can help me quitting. Wish me luck friends.

(I haven’t smoked in last 5 days. Pray for me that I smoke no more.)



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